So, I literally haven’t written a blog post for months! There have been so many moments where I have gone to write one, but never really committed to doing it. I have a huge list of subjects I have been meaning to write about, but for some reason couldn’t get motivated to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys)……until today.
Because this feels BIG to me. It may seem like not a big deal to others, maybe insignificant, and that’s okay. But I wanted to share this story with the world in the hope that it can inspire just one person to find their happy.
I guess this story begins when I was a little girl; all I loved to do was perform. I remember me and my two friends Olivia and Rachael would put on performances on the school field at lunchtime. We would go around to each other’s houses at the weekends and create dance routines to our favourite songs. Then Monday lunchtime we would perform them to all of our friends. It was such a huge deal to us and so many kids and dinner ladies would come and watch. I remember the boys standing there and laughing at us and I remember being so full of joy and light that I didn’t care. I sang a little louder and danced a little harder.
This was my authentic self. This was my higher self. This was 100% Sarah. This was 100% soul. This was 100% joy and happiness.
At school I studied drama and performance studies, before going onto university to do a degree in Performing Arts. I guess this is where I started to lose that joy and happiness. Suddenly I was consumed by competition and comparison. In dance lessons, I obsessed about the fact I wasn’t as skinny as the other girls and I beat myself up hard when I didn’t get the part I wanted or as high a grade as others.
This judgement, comparison and low self-esteem were all manifestations of my eating disorder. It had literally sucked the joy out of the very thing that used to make my heart soar. Suddenly it felt like a game, where I had to fight to be on top constantly. Eventually I gave up performing altogether and went into teaching, but that’s a story for another day.
That little girl who loved nothing more than to put on her sassiest outfit and sing and dance around to The Spice Girls was long gone.
Fast forward to today. I have spent the last two years finding my inner Goddess. From reading The Goddess Revolution by Mel Wells and going through her signature Academy course, I have learnt to love and accept myself exactly as I am. In addition to this, I have also realised what an amazing power I have and that I can truly manifest my heart’s desire. Furthermore, I have done so much self-discovery into what lights me up and makes me truly happy. Performing is one of these things. And it wasn’t until recently when I went to see a local production of Grease that I realised just how much I longed to be back on the stage.
So I took the plunge to sign myself up for musical theatre classes. The first of which happened last night. It is so hard to put into words the many emotions that I felt, but here’s an attempt:
Before:
Fear
Nervousness
Anxiety
Self-doubt
Not good enough
Judgement
You can’t do this
You’re rubbish
You won’t be able to keep up
Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
You can’t sing or dance.
During:
Elation
Fun
Pure joy
Laughter
Light
This is where I am supposed to be
I rock
Love
Fulfilment
Childlike
Playful
Present
Spontaneous
Enough
Accepted
After:
The best feeling in the world…connected.
What had I been so scared about? From the moment we started I just felt pure joy and I could not stop smiling from ear to ear. I didn’t know anybody, but I didn’t care. I was 100% pure Sarah doing what she loved and shining brightly from the soul. That little girl, the baby Spice wannabe, the girl who performed for anyone and everyone who would listen was back. She had been supressed for so many years, locked away for fear of judgement and ridicule. Finally, she was free.
And the story doesn’t end there! (Thank you if you have stuck with me thus far, the magical part is about to happen!)
So, before the class I went in, a bag of nerves, and took myself to the far corner of the room. Sat on the windowsill trying to make myself as small and unnoticeable as I could. My mind a crazy blur of emotions and anxiety creeping in. I turned to look out of the window and that’s when the magic happened. Directly opposite the building where the class was taking place, was another building. But not just any old building. This used to be my Dad’s apartment. I spent so much time there as a child and so many of my fondest memories with my Dad and siblings are in that apartment. I hadn’t thought about that place in a long time and I just couldn’t believe the view from the window was of this special place. It’s as if I could suddenly see my 13-year-old self looking out the window back at me, smiling and waving.
THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR THIS HUGE SIGN. I knew my Dad was with me, crying “GO WHITRICK GO!” I knew I owed it to my younger self to throw myself whole heartedly into this, so I jumped off the windowsill and went up to the first person I saw and introduced myself.
The rest is a beautiful, joyful moment of history.
The reason I wanted to share this story with you all today is because I think it is so important to connect with our younger self, our inner child. I mean what did you do for fun as a child? What did you do that just filled you up with so much joy? What did you do purely for the sake of it, no end result, no goal? Just because you loved it so much!
I encourage you to ponder this question. Maybe get your notebook out and do some journaling around it. And once you’ve got that thing, that made you smile from the inside, that made you feel like your heart could just burst out of your chest, ask yourself this:
Do I still do that now?
How much time do I make for myself to do this?
Why don’t I do this anymore?
Your inner child is always within you, just waiting to be set free.
So, I’ll leave you with this thought…
Whatever it is that you love, that lights you up from the inside, that feels like home…
JUST DO IT.
The inner child in me sends so much love to the inner child in you.
Love and light,
Self Love Sarah x